Picture it.
Things are heating up, and your brain is giving a full TED Talk: "A little slower... a little to the left... YES, right there."
Meanwhile, your actual mouth? Silent. Not a peep. 🙃
If that's you, pull up a chair, bestie, because you are in very good company.
I've spent 11 years talking with women and couples about what happens behind closed doors, and this is one of the things I hear most: "I just wish they knew."
Here's the tea. They don't. Not because they don't care, and not because they're bad at this. Your partner simply did not come with psychic abilities installed. Nobody's did.
So we wait. We hope. We drop hints so subtle a detective couldn't crack them. And when our partner doesn't magically figure it out, we end up frustrated, disappointed, or wondering why we're not quite connecting.
Let's fix that. And no, it doesn't have to be awkward.
Why your mouth goes on mute
Talking about what you want can feel weird, especially if nobody ever showed you how. Most of us got "the talk" (maybe) and exactly zero lessons on how to say, "A little more of that, please."
So the worries pile up:
- "What if I hurt their feelings?"
- "What if I sound bossy or demanding?"
- "What if they think everything they've been doing isn't good enough?"
My psychology degree and I would like to point something out. Every one of those fears is about protecting your partner. That's sweet. It's also the thing standing between the two of you and a much better time.
Someone once told me, "not telling your partner something, takes away their chance to grow, and that's selfish." Well, Shit. I'm not selfish. I know you're not either.
Staying quiet doesn't protect them. It just leaves them guessing, and nobody wins a guessing game they don't know they're playing.
It's not criticism. It's a cheat sheet.
Asking for what you want isn't a complaint. Done well, you're handing your partner the answers. And who doesn't love an open-book test? 📖
Most partners want to get it right. They're just working without instructions. So the easiest place to start is by focusing on what you DO want instead of what they're doing wrong. Same information, completely different vibe.
Steal these:
Instead of: "Don't do it like that." Try: "I love when you slow down a little."
Instead of: "That's not working." Try: "Can you keep doing that, but with a little more pressure?"
Instead of: "You never..." Try: "You know what I'd love more of?"
Instead of: waiting for your partner to suggest something new Try: "I've been curious about something. Want to try it with me?"
Notice the pattern? Every "try" line points toward more of something good. You're giving directions, not writing a bad review.
And if all of that still feels like a lot, start even smaller. Say something out loud when it IS working. "Right there" counts as communication. That's two words. You can do two words. 😉
Pick your moment (hint: it might not be the bedroom)
If saying it in the moment feels intimidating, don't start there. Mid-moment is the advanced class.
Start somewhere with zero pressure to act on the conversation right away:
- In the car (bonus: no eye contact required 👀)
- Over dinner
- While you're playing a couples game
- On the couch when you're both relaxed
- When you're in the shower together washing the day away
When nothing has to happen next, it feels like a conversation instead of a critique. Need an opener? Try: "Can I tell you something I've been thinking about? It's a good thing, I promise."
Make it a game: the 3-thing check-in
This is my favorite way to get the conversation going, because it doesn't feel like A Talk. Each of you picks:
- One thing you'd like MORE of
- One thing you're curious about
- One thing you already LOVE and definitely don't want the other person to stop doing
Take turns. No interrupting, no defending, no "well, actually."
Number three is the secret sauce. Everybody walks away knowing something they're already nailing, which makes numbers one and two a whole lot easier to hear.
And "curious" is not a contract. "Maybe someday" and "not for me" are perfectly good answers. You're still learning each other, and that's the point.
If starting from scratch feels like too much, let conversation cards or a couples game ask the questions for you. Then it's the card being nosy, not you.
When it gets awkward (because it might)
The first time may be clunky. You might giggle. Somebody might say, "Wait, what do you mean?" The new thing you try might be a total flop.
Good. Laugh about it. The couples who can crack up together when something doesn't work are the ones who keep trying new things.
The goal isn't to turn intimacy into a performance review. Nobody is getting a quarterly report. The goal is to make it easier for both of you to understand each other.
And if your partner gets a little tender about it, give them this: "I'm telling you because I want more of us, not less."
Your partner doesn't need a mind reader
Great intimacy isn't about magically knowing exactly what your partner wants. It's about feeling comfortable enough to ask, listen, experiment, laugh when something doesn't work, and keep learning from each other along the way.
Your partner doesn't need a mind reader. They need a little direction. And chances are, they'll be pretty happy you gave it to them.
So here's your homework (the fun kind): pick ONE line from this post and use it this week. Just one.
Want a little help getting things started? I pulled together my favorite conversation starters, couples games, and things to try together.
XOXO,
Carrie B